This morning, the big question I can’t answer has to do with authenticity (once again). But it’s less about the way I present myself than it is about the fact that I present a specific version of myself to certain people. I genuinely feel like a mannequin that curates her own display based on who she thinks will walk by. Yet, another fact is: I have a lot of different friends. That means I’ll naturally “tweak” myself to fit the vibe. There are kids I went to elementary school with that I change my appearance for when we see each other, but it runs deeper than my outfit, too–I’m watering my enthusiasm down to prove that I’ve changed or something. Different friends I’d “dress up” for might be any one of my long-distance besties, but again, the very personality I choose to adopt for the day is always going to be calculated, to prove something. I suppose it’s different each time.
When I confront myself with this seemingly vapid daily ritual of “which personality should I put on today?” I feel like a fraud. Yet I don’t think I believe in my heart of hearts that it means I’m inauthentic. If anything, putting on a persona makes me the fullest version of that person. What I have to get over is this idea that I can’t be more than one person. My horizons are large, socially speaking, so of course there’s a slight need to metamorphosize when I speak to someone specific. How’s that for alliteration?
I dunno. When I dress for work, I don’t exactly have the luxury of displaying my personhood.
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